Cabinet drawers

Pique Magazine, May 2012

We should thank the first-among-cons for adding more seats to the cabinet dinner table. The caterers will be most pleased

Running a country is tough work. Ask anyone who has no idea about the way our system works and they will tell you that governance is an arduous process. It involves standing in line, flagging down the right peon to bribe and coaxing and failing to get an audience with the sahib-in-residence and then maybe, just maybe, walking out with a piece of paper saying that you accomplished something today. But that feeling fades fast. And then it’s back to feeling like your government has failed you.

But for those of us in the know, let’s just say that it’s not quite that cumbersome. Especially for the civil servant. Never has a title so humble been applied to something quite as pompous, or bloated. The fact that our country is run by flesh-and-blood human beings and not gremlins, as is the widely held view, some of the things they come up with are quite invariably, out of this world. But more on that later.

The impression that gremlins are in charge of the country stems from the fact that every few months or so, the top gremlins (or at least they were believed to be gremlins, until that myth was busted by Kamran Khan) would gather at the house of the head gremlin and, holding obscure texts, chant vows that would somehow make them super-strong and super-rich, but render them completely useless for anything else.

These pagan vows, sometimes known as an “oath-taking ceremony”, are not as vile and uncouth as it sounds. In fact, it is a civilized affair, with the crew of the national TV station, friends and family of the gremlins being sworn in, as well as assorted fruitcakes from the nearby diplomatic enclave, in attendance. But the grand vizer, YR Gilani of Sing Sing prison, promised, nay reassured the people last time that the number of gremlins needed to run the country was less than or equal to 25. Or 30. Or 40. The vizer’s definition of ‘not too many’ is quite flexible. In fact, just before his appearance before the Titan of Justice, he was overheard saying he would not need a lot of people to walk him to the Supreme Court. Just the usual security detail. And well-to-do MNAs, MPAs, assorted bureaucrats, the odd-political ally and a few busloads of jiyalas for the rhythm section of the “Zinda hai Bhutto zinda hai” choir. About 3,478 people. Not a whole lot, in the greater scheme of things. But these people weren’t paid a great deal of money to show up, they just did.

If only that could be the arrangement we have with our cabinet ministers i.e., we would not necessarily be paying them, but they would be there. In fact, the government should place a premium on becoming a minister: because the holder of public office stands to earn so much in the shape of kick-backs, shady deals, barters and other transactions that do not go on the Register of Public Interests; future ministers should be asked to pay their appointment. In fact, I’m sure some enterprising young spanner in the Presidency has already thought of that.

But to be fair, now that our first-among-equals is an ex-con, it is only a matter of time before the Titans pronounce him unfit to hold office. And coming as it does, so late in the parliament’s life, this contingency must be planned for. This is why, in another fell swoop of foresight, the Sun King decreed that there be a larger, more meatier cabinet to help him make decisions at this critical juncture. But finding the cabinet that is right for your Sun King can be tricky. There are certain criteria that need to be fulfilled before a president can be left alone in a room full of politicians.

1. They should all get his jokes. This is very important, because Hitler was just kidding when he said “Gas the Jews!”

2. They should all laugh at his jokes. What’s the point of having 50-odd people sitting at the same table if you can’t have them in giggling fits? Makes the big man feel like he’s in control.

3. They should have absolutely no technical qualification to deal with the portfolio they have been assigned. Prior competence often proves disastrous, because such incumbents try to ‘make a difference’ by ‘actually trying to run the affairs of government themselves’. It has been a long standing convention in the Cabinet Block that petty matters of governance should be left to the civil servants. Politicians who become ministers need only concern themselves with questions such as, “Which car should I take to work today?” or “Is this tie crimson enough?” or perhaps a spot of “How can I make life easier for my children?”.

4. They should only speak when spoken to. This applies to communication within and without the cabinet dining room. Because let’s face it, there’s always that one guy who spoils it for everyone, right? The one with foot-in-mouth disease. This is why it is imperative that only those who are qualified to speak should speak on the government’s behalf. Like Qamaruz Zaman Kaira or Faisal Raza Abedi. However, keep in mind that while all federal ministers are equal, some are more equal than others. Which is why there has been no reprimand for the callous display of tie-terrorism by one of the members of the Sun King’s kitchen cabinet.

So does the new, improved cabinet meet the nutrient requirements of an ageing democratic setup? At first glance, it would seem so. At least in the case of Mr Kaira and Mr Naek, who have been handed back their old portfolios after their successors completely bungled things up. The good sense of giving Kaira his old job back was manifested clearly in the minister’s systematic dismantling of the ‘Kamran Khan narrative’ on the eve of the prime minister’s conviction. That Kaira did not directly address any of the issues raised is immaterial: what matters is that Kamran Khan looked sweaty as well as pudgy when he was sparring with the minister with a knack for countering bullets with tactical nuclear warheads. Farooq Naek’s appointment also came as a blessing. Especially for Babar Awan, whose verbosity has often landed him and his fellow members of government in hot waters. Praise the Lord he wasn’t there to pontificate after the prime minister’s conviction, or the people would’ve gotten to see some real contempt for the courts, on national television.

Also back in the saddle are Sumsam Bukhari (of Ali Baba fame) and Malik Ammad Khan. The former is the most capable aide-de-camp to Herr Kaira, while the latter ‘assists’ Hina ‘The Man’ Khar in discharging matters of the state. Seeing as domestic image management (read propaganda) and foreign image management (read Keeping Up With The Jonses) are the two top items on the government’s agenda, there should be no surprises here.

However, the real Jack-in-the-box was the re-inclusion of Raja Pervez Ashraf, affectionately referred to as ‘Raja Rental’. The man who is responsible for robbing the country of all its water and power was moved from one seat of absolute power to another: he now heads the Information Technology arm of the government. This is a positive step, because it will allow him to focus on gleaning monies from those who already have lots of it i.e., mobile service providers, multinational IT companies with major off-shore holdings, as well as Microsoft and Apple. But if you think the big man is soft on corporations, consider that the able man’s first move upon taking office has been the postponement of the auction for 3G licenses. According to those who know more about this than I do, this is apparently the third time such an auction is being delayed. Ostensibly to increase the mark-up on the receivable kickbacks. A word of advice to the powers-that-be though: remember that licensing hardware that has been outdated for nearly half a decade now will not benefit anyone apart from those who’ve been hoarding scrap for at least 24 months. Now there’s a lucrative business proposition. Too bad somebody in the IT ministry has already thought of that.

For the uninitiated, this year’s list of ministries can be quite confounding. New and obscure creatures, such as the Ministry for Disaster Management, the Ministry for Environmental Change, the Ministry of National Regulation & Services and the Ministry for Food Security & Research, also populate the dinner table roster now. But no one seems to know what these ministries will do, especially the honorable ministers assigned to them.

Firdous Ashiq Awan, the incumbent at the aptly named Regulation & Services ministry, has neither regulations nor services to provide her minions. But after seeing her beaming on the telly, one can only assume that she is all too glad to be rid of her responsibilities as the government’s spin doctor, or, the goal-keeper for the most indefensible post of them all. But then, Firdous Apa is most at home in unfamiliar and hostile surroundings. Given her repertoire of inane insults and retorts – which are often lewd enough to put Nargis to shame – she would perhaps be most suited for the Ministry of Art and Culture. There, at least, she could let her true self shine through and be recognized for the artist that she truly is.

The prime minster (according to detractors, now the ‘crime minister’) has spoken at great lengths about the need for austerity and why spending less will help save Pakistan.

This is why banks now open for five days a week instead of six; government officials show up for work at 10:00AM and leave promptly at 3:00PM (ensuring that air conditioners run for shorter periods); higher education is imparted via email correspondence as opposed to a classroom environment and, the air and railtravel industry have been made kaput (to save on fuel costs, brilliant). The one thing which is expanding faster than Jabba the Hutt’s belly is the size of the cabinet and critics of the Gilani administration are using this as an excuse to attack the (first) sovereign, democratically elected government of Pakistan that is set to complete all five years in power. So rethinking this massive expansion would be the wiser thing to do.

But there could be a simple and more straightforward explanation for this. You see, being the head of a state is hard enough. But when the president has to take over from his prime minister the responsibility of day-to-day decision making, that will impact the fate of the country as a whole, balancing the ‘head of state’ and ‘head of government’ hat would’ve been tricky for the Sun King. That is, if he were to do it alone. Fortunately, El Jefe now has the support of 50-something able-bodied men and women to help him steer the country out of these dark times. One must salute the foresight of our ruler, who brought seasoned politicians and experts in the fields of punditry and naming-and-shaming from all walks of life, together under one roof. So the people of Pakistan must thank el presidente for his visionary leadership and courage under fire.

You know who else should thank the president? The state’s caterers. For all the business they are about to receive.