Pakistan Today, Monday, 1 Nov 2010
It has become commonplace to hate on the government of Pakistan. But dont think for one moment that this means the individuals running said government are the ones being blamed, Oh No Siree! They are, in fact, paragons of excellence, beacons of hope and saviours of the downtrodden. Its just that they're quite busy with matters of the state to fully understand the problems of their subjects, that's all.
In any self-respecting country that is not run by monkeys or mussels, it would be easy to place blame for any departmental fudge-up and ministerial faux pas, since everyone knows who was responsible. But in Pakistan, the doctrine of collective (or even individual) ministerial responsibility is overshadowed by the more effective whodunnit, idunno doctrine. This is because our language, Urdu that is, has two separate words for the government and the governors, i.e. hukoomat and hukamraan. So, while to us the hukoomat is a flagging, corrupt, flea-ridden, moth-infested, good-for-nothing burden on the taxpayer, the people who govern us are squeaky clean, courtesy the new Vim with active lemon enzymes. This, mind you, is despite all the hatemongering by those meddling kids (also known as journalists) who try and try and try to remind the 17-or-so-crore rabbits of our country every 9PM that all is not well in our fiefdom. But the only voice that seems to reassure the masses is the periodic Jaagtay rehna, saa-day te na rehna (accompanied by a traditional phata hua dhol) emanating from parliament every once in a while.
History has taught us not to trust polls. And Transparency International has taught us that perceived corruption is far deadlier than actual corruption. Please try to keep up as I lay out their logic in three simple steps.
Firstly, if corruption is seen to be done, it is far less detrimental to the system. This is because corruption, much like other idiotic notions such as chivalry, honesty and integrity, is an abstract thing. It is very difficult to put your finger on a particular instance of corruption. Admit it, if you were ever so close to an act of corruption that you could put your finger on it, chances are you'd opt to put your whole hand in and take a piece of the pie itself. Then, putting just your finger on an instance of corruption would clash directly with your own personal interests. Therefore, if corruption is seen to be done, its no big deal.
Secondly, in order to eliminate corruption, you must first eliminate the system that fosters it. This is because corruption, like the Ebola virus or any garden-variety parasite, becomes an integral part of the system it invades. When I say invades, I mean is invited in for a cup of tea. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Tell me you've never slipped a Rs 1,000 bill to a chaprasi just to get five minutes with his boss. Tell me you wouldn't slip the boss the keys to a brand new Civic if he cleared your shipment of Columbian Mocha (known to the native Columbian as Cocaine ala mode). Say it isn't so, so that I may be less bitter and can sleep better.
Thirdly, and now I'm talking to you yes, you in a Gucci suit with the Armani cufflinks and the Silver Jag. You, who were until yesterday a mere controller in the Customs Department. But today, every mother from here to Loralai wants her daughter to marry a man like you. A man with money, style, panache, and above all, a natural knack for landing commissions on every tender he grants. So the third point is that today, corruption cannot be done away with because it has become a status symbol, nay, a necessity. If you vehemently disagree, try explaining to your little boy why daddy (who is a grade-20 officer in the Forestry Department) can't buy him the new Knight Rider he wants because he turned down the lucrative logging contract that would've given him a lump sum payout bigger than his ego. Or better yet, try explaining to your pretty little munchkin why mommy doesn't take her to the mall every other day like the other mommies take their corrupt little offspring. Do you detect malice in my tone? Because I do.
Seriously though, I don't blame our leaders for being corrupt. I mean, they're also people. Regular folk, who have to eat, dress up and go out. It's not like Dolce and Gabana are opening up a factory outlet in Lahore any time soon. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Otherwise, his old age will be filled with regrets and chances are hell die of a heart attack (and disappointment) when he hears the fruit of his loins say to his friends, Mera baap baqi logoon kee terhan paisay kyon nahin kha sakta tha? Kya uss ney meray future kay baray mein kabhi nahin socha?
It has become commonplace to hate on the government of Pakistan. But dont think for one moment that this means the individuals running said government are the ones being blamed, Oh No Siree! They are, in fact, paragons of excellence, beacons of hope and saviours of the downtrodden. Its just that they're quite busy with matters of the state to fully understand the problems of their subjects, that's all.
In any self-respecting country that is not run by monkeys or mussels, it would be easy to place blame for any departmental fudge-up and ministerial faux pas, since everyone knows who was responsible. But in Pakistan, the doctrine of collective (or even individual) ministerial responsibility is overshadowed by the more effective whodunnit, idunno doctrine. This is because our language, Urdu that is, has two separate words for the government and the governors, i.e. hukoomat and hukamraan. So, while to us the hukoomat is a flagging, corrupt, flea-ridden, moth-infested, good-for-nothing burden on the taxpayer, the people who govern us are squeaky clean, courtesy the new Vim with active lemon enzymes. This, mind you, is despite all the hatemongering by those meddling kids (also known as journalists) who try and try and try to remind the 17-or-so-crore rabbits of our country every 9PM that all is not well in our fiefdom. But the only voice that seems to reassure the masses is the periodic Jaagtay rehna, saa-day te na rehna (accompanied by a traditional phata hua dhol) emanating from parliament every once in a while.
History has taught us not to trust polls. And Transparency International has taught us that perceived corruption is far deadlier than actual corruption. Please try to keep up as I lay out their logic in three simple steps.
Firstly, if corruption is seen to be done, it is far less detrimental to the system. This is because corruption, much like other idiotic notions such as chivalry, honesty and integrity, is an abstract thing. It is very difficult to put your finger on a particular instance of corruption. Admit it, if you were ever so close to an act of corruption that you could put your finger on it, chances are you'd opt to put your whole hand in and take a piece of the pie itself. Then, putting just your finger on an instance of corruption would clash directly with your own personal interests. Therefore, if corruption is seen to be done, its no big deal.
Secondly, in order to eliminate corruption, you must first eliminate the system that fosters it. This is because corruption, like the Ebola virus or any garden-variety parasite, becomes an integral part of the system it invades. When I say invades, I mean is invited in for a cup of tea. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Tell me you've never slipped a Rs 1,000 bill to a chaprasi just to get five minutes with his boss. Tell me you wouldn't slip the boss the keys to a brand new Civic if he cleared your shipment of Columbian Mocha (known to the native Columbian as Cocaine ala mode). Say it isn't so, so that I may be less bitter and can sleep better.
Thirdly, and now I'm talking to you yes, you in a Gucci suit with the Armani cufflinks and the Silver Jag. You, who were until yesterday a mere controller in the Customs Department. But today, every mother from here to Loralai wants her daughter to marry a man like you. A man with money, style, panache, and above all, a natural knack for landing commissions on every tender he grants. So the third point is that today, corruption cannot be done away with because it has become a status symbol, nay, a necessity. If you vehemently disagree, try explaining to your little boy why daddy (who is a grade-20 officer in the Forestry Department) can't buy him the new Knight Rider he wants because he turned down the lucrative logging contract that would've given him a lump sum payout bigger than his ego. Or better yet, try explaining to your pretty little munchkin why mommy doesn't take her to the mall every other day like the other mommies take their corrupt little offspring. Do you detect malice in my tone? Because I do.
Seriously though, I don't blame our leaders for being corrupt. I mean, they're also people. Regular folk, who have to eat, dress up and go out. It's not like Dolce and Gabana are opening up a factory outlet in Lahore any time soon. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Otherwise, his old age will be filled with regrets and chances are hell die of a heart attack (and disappointment) when he hears the fruit of his loins say to his friends, Mera baap baqi logoon kee terhan paisay kyon nahin kha sakta tha? Kya uss ney meray future kay baray mein kabhi nahin socha?
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