Pakistan Today, Monday, 9 May 2011
Disclaimer: This article does not reveal a single piece of information regarding our national security assets. It also does not call into question the loyalty of our committed servicemen, who would lay down their lives for the sake of this country at the drop of a hat. However, this article will make certain generals squirm in their seats.
Where, in the manual of our armed forces, does it say that radar operators must be bats? Not batty – as in off their rockers – but real life, flesh-and-blood, sonar-using and otherwise bats. I say this because I know my fair share of fighter pilots, who have flown everything from Chinese-import MIGs to state-of-the-art F-16 Block 52s. These crazy seat-of-their-pants fighter jockeys have done everything from supersonic fly-bys to water-surfing in the Arabian Sea at an altitude of 10, not 10,000 feet. Therefore, I think I may be forgiven for sleeping rather comfortably at night with the knowledge that these crazy fly-boys have got my back. The radar operators though, I have never met, and in the aftermath of the Abbottabad operation, I can only conclude that their nocturnal ways and elusive, unaccountable nature qualify them to be more bat than bat-man.
Then there are the supermen that comprise US Navy SEAL Team 6. Tougher than nails and harder to kill than a Housefly with a Nitrous Oxide propulsion system, these men fight epic battles, overcome great adversity and yet manage to come out on top despite being as outnumbered as the 300 Spartans were. We’ve all seen and heard of their illustrious exploits in major Hollywood movies and, lately, CNN broadcasts. Even the local media has caught on and are now analyzing SEAL tactics on cable TV. However, compared to our fly-boys, who are notorious from Talagang to Tel Aviv (Google this reference), SEAL Team 6 flies in BlackHawks, the kind that Mogadishu’s rebels brought down with hunting rifles as an Oscar-nominated Hans Zimmer score played in the background. BlackHawks are not known for their supersonic capabilities, neither are they as impressive a weapons platform as, say, an Apache Longbow or a prototype Comanche. But when it came time to liquidate the world’s most dangerous imaginary character, it was the US animal menagerie of friendly marine mammals that came through and not our elite team of fighter jockeys and their batty sidekicks.
Granted, the boys in jumpsuits may be a little rusty. But that doesn’t explain why the complex radar systems that we paid millions of dollars for couldn’t pick up a pair of low-flying two bedroom apartments. It also fails to account for the failure of our anti-aircraft gunners, positioned at strategic intervals across the rocky crags along the aerial route to Abbottabad. And don’t even get me started on the role played by the jawaans and afsers of the Pakistan Military Academy, which apparently was the reason why Osama brought this property in the first place. I mean, if the Pakistan military can feel secure here, so can a wanted terrorist.
To put all of this into perspective and understand why the operation to kill Osama Bin Laden, fictitious or not, is bad news for us Pakistanis, allow me to fabricate some facts. The largest landowner in Pakistan is not Malik Riaz but the Pakistan Army (even Bahria Town isn’t as big as some of the real estate they own). From Siachen to Sukkur and everything in between, the Pak Army owns it all. Defence Housing Authorities, Askari Housing Societies and even the odd bank, the khaki empire is truly magnificent. Our navy and air force are no different, and if you’re ever in Karachi and wondering where all the real nice beaches are, you should know that the navy has dibs on all white sandy beaches and coastal havens. Strategic, no. Scenic, yes.
Seriously though, it’s bad enough that they missed Osama hiding in plain sight. Now they have to go and attempt to cover their tracks a week after the operation. Banning news channels from entering Rue de Bin Laden and taking away the live broadcasting rights of foreign media houses because they might find something they are not supposed to is like bolting the stable door after the stable boy has made hay with the lady of the house for over six years, it makes us all look bad. But damage control is what the Foreign Office does best, and they have been offering themselves to the media vultures, trying to cover up the military’s inadequacies by offering outlandish and Aesop-style answers to questions of national sovereignty. But no matter how much they protest this blatant American aggression, there is another institution that has exclusive rights in violating our sovereignty. How do you like them apples, chief?
Disclaimer: This article does not reveal a single piece of information regarding our national security assets. It also does not call into question the loyalty of our committed servicemen, who would lay down their lives for the sake of this country at the drop of a hat. However, this article will make certain generals squirm in their seats.
Where, in the manual of our armed forces, does it say that radar operators must be bats? Not batty – as in off their rockers – but real life, flesh-and-blood, sonar-using and otherwise bats. I say this because I know my fair share of fighter pilots, who have flown everything from Chinese-import MIGs to state-of-the-art F-16 Block 52s. These crazy seat-of-their-pants fighter jockeys have done everything from supersonic fly-bys to water-surfing in the Arabian Sea at an altitude of 10, not 10,000 feet. Therefore, I think I may be forgiven for sleeping rather comfortably at night with the knowledge that these crazy fly-boys have got my back. The radar operators though, I have never met, and in the aftermath of the Abbottabad operation, I can only conclude that their nocturnal ways and elusive, unaccountable nature qualify them to be more bat than bat-man.
Then there are the supermen that comprise US Navy SEAL Team 6. Tougher than nails and harder to kill than a Housefly with a Nitrous Oxide propulsion system, these men fight epic battles, overcome great adversity and yet manage to come out on top despite being as outnumbered as the 300 Spartans were. We’ve all seen and heard of their illustrious exploits in major Hollywood movies and, lately, CNN broadcasts. Even the local media has caught on and are now analyzing SEAL tactics on cable TV. However, compared to our fly-boys, who are notorious from Talagang to Tel Aviv (Google this reference), SEAL Team 6 flies in BlackHawks, the kind that Mogadishu’s rebels brought down with hunting rifles as an Oscar-nominated Hans Zimmer score played in the background. BlackHawks are not known for their supersonic capabilities, neither are they as impressive a weapons platform as, say, an Apache Longbow or a prototype Comanche. But when it came time to liquidate the world’s most dangerous imaginary character, it was the US animal menagerie of friendly marine mammals that came through and not our elite team of fighter jockeys and their batty sidekicks.
Granted, the boys in jumpsuits may be a little rusty. But that doesn’t explain why the complex radar systems that we paid millions of dollars for couldn’t pick up a pair of low-flying two bedroom apartments. It also fails to account for the failure of our anti-aircraft gunners, positioned at strategic intervals across the rocky crags along the aerial route to Abbottabad. And don’t even get me started on the role played by the jawaans and afsers of the Pakistan Military Academy, which apparently was the reason why Osama brought this property in the first place. I mean, if the Pakistan military can feel secure here, so can a wanted terrorist.
To put all of this into perspective and understand why the operation to kill Osama Bin Laden, fictitious or not, is bad news for us Pakistanis, allow me to fabricate some facts. The largest landowner in Pakistan is not Malik Riaz but the Pakistan Army (even Bahria Town isn’t as big as some of the real estate they own). From Siachen to Sukkur and everything in between, the Pak Army owns it all. Defence Housing Authorities, Askari Housing Societies and even the odd bank, the khaki empire is truly magnificent. Our navy and air force are no different, and if you’re ever in Karachi and wondering where all the real nice beaches are, you should know that the navy has dibs on all white sandy beaches and coastal havens. Strategic, no. Scenic, yes.
Seriously though, it’s bad enough that they missed Osama hiding in plain sight. Now they have to go and attempt to cover their tracks a week after the operation. Banning news channels from entering Rue de Bin Laden and taking away the live broadcasting rights of foreign media houses because they might find something they are not supposed to is like bolting the stable door after the stable boy has made hay with the lady of the house for over six years, it makes us all look bad. But damage control is what the Foreign Office does best, and they have been offering themselves to the media vultures, trying to cover up the military’s inadequacies by offering outlandish and Aesop-style answers to questions of national sovereignty. But no matter how much they protest this blatant American aggression, there is another institution that has exclusive rights in violating our sovereignty. How do you like them apples, chief?
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