Everybody gets it, right?

Pique Magazine - April 2012

Every country has its own way of expressing its gratitude to people that have been of service to them. People who have made invaluable contributions to the fields of science and technology, the arts and literature and, of course, the political campaigns of the ruling party incumbents. In England it’s the Queen’s Honours that are passed around like pass-the-parcel parcels, in Pakistan we have the Civil Awards, the investiture for which occurs on the 23rd of March. It is perhaps the clearest manifestation of the direction that the policies and favours of the ruling party (whichever it may be) will take; coming on the day that the basis for our country was laid out in a historic speech by the venerable Mr Jinnah himself more than half a century ago. Jinnah’s Pakistan was supposed to be a meritocracy. Ours is more like a it’s-yours-if-you-can-buy-it-ocracy.

The British version of the honours comes with a hefty reward: peerages entitle one to a seat in the House of Lords. In Pakistan, however, you get the next best thing: an honourary arms licence. Strange as it sounds, recipients of these coveted Nishans, Sitaras and Tamghas get the right to own a gun. This is probably a remnant of the old Raj days anyway, when your place in the proverbial food chain was dictated by the size of your muzzle. Not that things have changed a lot now. But still. Treating the national civil awards like an Oprah Winfrey giveaway is a tad bit retarded. “You get an award, YOU GET AN AWARD, EVERYONE GETS AN AWARD” may work now, but did anyone ever think what this would do for the credibility of the government that is shortly going to seek re-election.

But if you glance through the list of honourees at this year’s awards, you can see just how bad a job the current administration has done of hiding their inherent bias... for themselves. Of the five recipients of the Nishan-e-Imtiaz, one is the cabinet minister famous for his outrageous ties and even more outrageous statements on camera. His competence for the job entrusted to him can be gauged by the fact that today he is not only an honourary doctorate-holder, but was promoted to the job of Interior Minister i.e., the guardian of the peace, after he failed to protect the life of the late great Benazir Bhutto. His citation states that in his time in office “he remained and is still in the line of fire by all anti-state elements” (sic!). This no doubt refers to the nefarious Pakistani media, which is out to get Dr Rehman Malik, for no apparent reason. Must be the ties he wears. The speakers of the two houses, the president’s right hand man Salman Faruqi and the late Salmaan Taseer round off the purely political segment of the awards. Faruqi would be an especially proud man this year, as his daughter Sharmila, the fire-breathing face of the Sindh government, also received a Sitara-e-Imtiaz.But the real eye-brow raiser has to be the award of the Hilal-e-Pakistan, a title reserved for true servants of the state, has been presented to the man who is currently at the center of a major treason case. The erstwhile ambassador Haqqani’s award must’ve come as a surprise to Nawaz Sharif, since he has done everything possible to push the former envoy off the edge of a political cliff. While the doctrine of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ justifies the award, the message this sends is a mixed one. Especially if you’re the Supreme Court.

It was business as usual for the right honourable Sultan Lakhani, a man with many companies and many more millions to his name, who received his second civil award this year. While the media tycoon’s special relationship with El Jefe Zardari is the stuff of legend and cigar-room small talk, what is not so public knowledge is his role as an honourary media manager for the big man himself. So devoted is he to the cause of the sun-king that he can not only pull stories that are unflattering to the president, but has also been known to surgically remove from his channel’s screen footage where El Jefe is seen to be stroking his moustache in a manner too reminescent of other evil dictators of the world.

Mian Amer Mehmood, the ex-mayor of Lahore and the owner of Dunya News, makes the list too, despite his recent run-ins with the Punjab government, or let me rephrase that, because of his run-ins with the Punjab government. While the moustachioed man has not had good press lately, given the scandal surrounding the death of college girls during a concert stampede at one of his many educational establishments, it is clear that the current regime wants to keep their media magnates on a tight leash, hence your Nazir Naji, Zahid Malik (of Pakistan Observer fame) and Murtaza Solangi (of Radio Pakistan) make the list.

This also explains the much-touted award presented to Herr Mubasher Lucman. This modern day news evangelist, who can be best described as Pakistan’s answer to Glenn Beck, is most famous for not paying debts to Thai production houses, sucking up to unconstitutional military dictators and ‘buying’ followers on Twitter. Mr Lucman is also well-known for having a very flexible moral agenda, something that allowed him to rise to great heights in leaps and bounds. Once the host of a relatively unknown show on the now-defunct Business Plus channel, Lucman moved to the big leagues when he took up a key spot in the caretaker cabinet of Pervez Musharraf.

Shortly afterwards, he joined Mr Lakhani’s media group and quickly became a thorn in everybody’s side. Unimpressed by his boss’ Express instructions, Lucman then decided to jump ship again, this time landing squarely in the lap of the Q-controlled Dunya TV, where he dabbles in pro-PTI rhetoric and anti-Nawaz league sentiment.If one recalls the epic British comedy ‘Yes Minister’ or ‘Yes Prime Minister’, one would be hard-pressed to find a better fit for the role of Sir Humphrey (from the current cabinet lot) than Miz Nargis Sethi.

A thoroughly dyed-in-the-wool bureaucrat, Ms Sethi has the auspicious honour of being the one signing off on her own Hilal-e-Imtiaz, seeing as she was the one who issued the notification for the awards. But contrary to popular belief, the civil service is not a complete boys club. In fact, so qualified is Miz Sethi for so many positions that she currently holds charge as the cabinet secretary, the defence secretary and most importantly, the administrator of the Islamabad Club. This last position is sufficient to seal someone’s reputation as the king or queen of the capital, simply because you control the entire golf playing population of the city.

And as everyone knows, any decision worth its weight in gold bullion is made on the fairways. This is not to say there is nobody on the list who deserves an award. Indeed, this list of 190 honourees is full of names such as the late great literary scholar Dr Suhail Ahmed Khan, Oscar winner Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy, playwright Saira Kazmi, PTV pioneer Aslam Azhar, outspoken educationist Dr Muhammad Farooq Khan, Farzana Suleman – the first blind Pakistani woman to obtain a PhD – and countless others. The names awarded the Tamgha-e-Shujaat, for gallantry, are worthy of even greater praise. But these names only constitute the bottom half of the awards list, that reads more like a who’s-who of the current administration.

These awards, which are supposed to be a celebration of those who toil away in anonymity day-in day-out to make a name for themselves and their country, have been reduced to mere handouts, in true Oprah spirit. In trying to be more inclusive, the awards have become hollow acclaim, full of sound and fury and yet signifying nothing.For an administration that is bent on righting past wrongs, there was still no mention of any sort of recognition for Pakistan’s greatest hero, our sole Nobel laureate, Dr Abdus Salam.

For a man more patriotic than he was accomplished (and he was as accomplished as they come), to have been unacknowledged in his own country was the last greatest regret. But even this government, with all its promises of setting the record straight, has, even in its final year, neglected the great man and has chosen not to honour his legacy.But even in trying to award and reward those who have been involved with the PPP and their time in power, the government has failed miserably.

If the prime minister’s office was actually serious about rewarding the right people, they would have started with an award for Army Chief Ashfaq Parvez Kayani. He is the real man to thank, as he has been quite abhorrent of a coup and has allowed the PPP to complete its term in office. Also of ‘chief’ importance is erstwhile ISI chief, Ahmed Shuja Pasha, who can be thanked for ‘discovering’ Mansoor Ijaz. Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry should be among the top honourees as well, for having volunteered to run a country that has been running around like a headless chicken for quite some time now. His one-time sidekick and now presidential counsel, Aitzaz Ahsan, was also conspicuous by his absence. As were the Sharif brothers, who have played the part of the friendly opposition to perfection. Renegade politician Imran Khan also deserves an award for single-handedly splitting the Sharifs’ voter base in half and ensuring that no matter what happens, the PPP will be able to pull through come election day. Another most deserving candidate would be the current Attorney General.

Maulvi Anwar ul Haq is the one person in the government who we can sympathize with, since he is never briefed by his clients and is pushed into trial usually with only the most basic understanding of any major issue, be it Mehran Bank case, the missing persons’ case or the many cases against former law minister Babar Awan.

This would also have been a good forum to honour the wives and girlfriends of Karachi, who have, in the past one year or so, reduced the burgeoning population of that city by at least several hundred. Or Osama Bin Laden, for having gone without a fight and without having implicated any senior military of civilian leaders from Pakistan in an alleged plot to harbour him.But if there is still hope, it is to be found in the svelte and slender shape of our beloved Meera.

What does it matter that she’s been cheated out of an Oscar, a Filmfare and even a Lux Style Award. She is now an honoured member of society and, as such, free from the tyranny of those jealous gossip mongers who were out to usurp her fortune. But for a lady that signs more marital contracts than acting gigs, it was only a matter of time before she would’ve been awarded by the current government. After all, they both have the same catchphrase i.e., “We will be the back.”