-ist, -ising, -isation

Pakistan Today, Monday, 12 Mar 2012

What would you say is the most vile, revolting, loathsome and hated phenomenon to come out of Pakistan? Wife-beating? Husband-cooking? Acid-throwing? Suicide bombing? Child bride-ing? Drone attacking? Minority rights violation-ing? Economic catastrophising? Fuel and gas shortage-ising? Sugar and edible oil hoarding? Target killing? Ethnic cleansing? Chances are, if you’re a normal, sane type person, you would’ve agreed with one, if not all of the above problems. But if you’re a PTI-ian and an Imran-ist, you will shake your head violently, vehemently denouncing the ludicrousness of the above problems.

Instead, you will argue; it is corruption-isation which is the most evil, most foul, most horriblest of maladies to befall this land of the pure. You will also, in the same sentence – if not the same breath – lay out your roadmap for replacing the brown silt-ful water in the country’s canals with white, creamy and frothy milk; all within 13 days of Mr Megalomania becoming ‘first among equals’. I doubt not the veracity of this claim, for indeed, said megalomaniac would love nothing better than to have the Lahore Canal filled to the brim with milky, colloidal cow juice. Does wonders for the skin and the calcium is good for the bones too. Also, it would be helpful if a Milk of Magnesia rivulet were diverted into the greater Zaman Park area. May be better for the health of the country’s most reactionary and revolutionary leader. On the whole.

But coming back to the problem tree; it is quite heartening to see a political leader that takes such a headstrong approach towards the country’s problems. You can be sure that if you vote for the PTI in the next general elections (given that the party decided to take part in the polls in the first place), you will be rewarded with sound municipal and civic management, a national transmission grid that never breaks down and, of course, zero corruption. How do I know this? Well, not to brag, but I have managed to get my hands on the ‘real’ policy outline document that Senor Khan-a Dilbarjana has been working on for the past decade or three. Ever since that fateful night in Melbourne, actually. And this document offers us some valuable insight into the mind of the man who would be king.

Corruption, this document states, is a cardinal sin for which there can be no atonement. No matter what form this unspeakable evil might take, be it a small payoff to your cable guy for letting you view restricted channels without any hindrance, or a larger payoff to a government official by a multinational octopus-like corporation with horns and pointy tail – ostensibly to obtain the contract to supply pitchforks to the Pakistan Moral Outrage Society. This also includes all those ‘luxury taxes’ that every citizen ends up paying at places such as the passport office, a NADRA registration centre and your friendly neighbourhood patwari. What was once considered a small, token guarantee that your kaam will get done will now be an outlawed offence, punishable by death, dismemberment and castration, or all of the above.

Sound logic, really. I never appreciated the having-to-part-with-my-money aspect of public life. This is why I never tip at restaurants or pay valets and guards for holding my car door open for me. These are all things I can do on my own. Better, in fact, than the simpletons that would charge me an arm and a leg to do the most menial and meaningless of tasks. Self-reliance is the name of the game and the skipper plays it best. Mind you, this would also mean the abolition of ridiculous burdens-on-the-common-man such as the ‘On’ one must pay when purchasing a motor vehicle, the postage one must pay when mailing a letter or the Value Added Taxes that one must fork over when loading a scratch card into one’s prepaid cellular contraption.

Despite my being a member of the privileged class that can afford to pay these paltry sums, no one would be happier to see these frivolous expenditures go than I. No longer will I be held hostage by meter readers looking to make a quick buck. I will simply use my connections in the Sui Northern Gas Pipelines Limited to ensure that the reading on my meter never changes, ever. This would definitely put me head and shoulders above those who don’t know anyone in SNGPL and cannot avail similar concessions. A sound idea, utopian even.

But I understand why this document, this plan of action that could save the country and Imran’s fledging political ambitions in one fell swoop, has never been made public. We must not allow the plebeians to find out what the game plan is. Otherwise, false prophets such as Sana Bucha or Kamran Khan may start poking their noses where they do not belong. Intrepid reporters such as Rauf Klasra and Co may begin to wonder who stands to benefit most from such a perfect, harmonious system. And worst of all, the pundits, the ones that espouse all the –ists, -isms and –isations, may well brand this a tsunami-sation-ism-ist approach, thereby reducing it to the crass, pagan and morally bankrupt level of a coherent ideology. So shush, all of you. Never ask what Imran can do for you. Ask, rather, what your country can do for Imran. The Khan has spoken. Now shut-up and get back to work.