Pakistan Today, Tuesday, 28 Feb 2012
Given the amount of news and refuse cluttering the airwaves right now, temporary insanity is a condition that could affect any Pakistani with a TV set and time to spare. So it’s kinda fortunate that most of us have been conditioned into a constant state of attention deficit. Thanks to this new-found inability to maintain one particular chain of thought for too long, Pakistanis are able to digest the inedible programming on offer from nearly 89 indigenous channels and countless others playing back to back Bollywood masala movies and Mamta Kulkarni item numbers. Don’t believe me? Pick up that remote and try it for yourself.
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The prime minister’s contempt case is old hat now. Now that Aitzaz Ahsan has the court right where he wants it to be i.e., drowning in legalese, we can now move on to other, more pressing matters.
Also, the missing persons’ case is on hold because the country is still in shock after seeing the way that prisoners are treated by our most sensitive agencies.
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Following the success of Indian reality show-slash-YouTube-sensation ‘How Can She Slap?’, Tando Muhammad Khan’s very own Wahida Shah has taken it upon herself to rid the electoral system of its moles and molars. A staunch believer in tough love, Shah meted out as good as she had received, having grown up in a feudal/patriarchal household where you slap the help around as much as you wanted. The slap heard around the country is now the stuff of legend and is being relived on TV screens everywhere, with no regard for the dignity of the hapless victim, who, in this case, was left sobbing as the burly policeman, ostensibly there to protect presiding officers from external pressure, stood silently by as this sorry excuse for a public representative spewed forth profanities, obscenities and open-palm back-handed slaps left, right and centre. When asked by an attractive newsreader “Can you hear me? How can you slap?” Shah answered, “Hello? Hello? No, I can’t hear you!”
Sounds about right.
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Have you heard of the best cover-up in history? No? Then take a look at the footage from the demolition of the compound in Abbottabad that allegedly housed the world’s most wanted man for many years. In an unsurprising move, coming from the country that hosed down the crime scene of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination, the authorities have decided to demolish the OBL compound in Bilal Town. This has been done to exonerate Pervez Musharraf, who, it now seems, knew pretty much all along that Senor Bin Laden had been enjoying doggie bag lunches from the Officer’s Mess at PMA Kakul. According to articles and interviews in both the local and foreign media, this claim has been doing the rounds for some time now and there seems to be an iota of truth in it. That, or it’ll be easier to pin this one on Musharraf, seeing as they can’t seem to make the Benazir murder charges stick.
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Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy has become the first Pakistani to win an Oscar. Hah! And pigs are flying.
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Oh, no! It’s actually true. The first Pakistani Oscar winner is a somewhat attractive woman from Karachi. Pinch me. Pinch me now.
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Balochistan is still simmering. The unhappy sardars and separatists have been getting too much airtime on national TV and this has rubbed many at PEMRA the wrong way. They are now asking news channels to stop all live shows and inform PEMRA in writing what the topic and content of each show will be before it goes on air. I think it would help PEMRA’s cause if they actually hired someone who knew ANYTHING about how the media works. That way, they’d know that show topics, guests and the colour of the host’s tie on that particular day are variables that cannot be determined in advance, ever. To borrow from the savant Forrest Gump, “Talk shows are like a box of really bad chocolates; you never know whatcha gonna get.” It would be easier for PEMRA to just issue a declaration saying “No more shows on Balochistan, it’s bad for our narrative of how this country should be run. That is all.” At least we’ll appreciate their honesty if they did.
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It’s a dirty game, this media business. Every year, the Pakistani media fires more people than Toyota recalls cars. Surprisingly, the more venomous you are, the higher paying your next job will be. This is also the case with Maya Khan, who, rumour has it, is being courted by both ARY News and Express News. A few hours after this column is written, Maya is due to appear on a TV show with the reptilian Kamran Shahid. On the show, Shahid promises startling revelations that will shake the foundations of the media as we know it. Maya also promises to put up quite a show. The question is, is this an audition or an honest-to-goodness attempt at setting the record straight? I guess with vigil-aunties, one can never be too sure. Wait, what’s a vigil-aunty? Is there a vigil tonight? Cool, I wanna go!
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